its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
