I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
