I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
