I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
