someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
