i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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