Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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