I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
