I've blown a few things in my day
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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