I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
