All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
