I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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