He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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