so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize