70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
50% drunk capacity currently
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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