i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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