I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
