Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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