Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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