there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
