Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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