Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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