Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Bring me that man meat
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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