so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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