I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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