so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
