This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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