so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My sheets look like a crime scene.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
