Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
