His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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