I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
