theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
