Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just found puke in my bra..
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
