Barsexuality is the new black.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
