That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
