I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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