Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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