Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
