Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
