i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize