Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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