the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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