Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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