My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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