Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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