Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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