I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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