I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
