is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
