woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
