I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
