Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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