Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
