I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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