In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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