it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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