wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
