Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
