I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
