True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
