I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
