grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize