It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
