I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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