so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
