So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
