Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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