I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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